Army days, deprivation and excess

The army provided me with discipline and structure. It also immediately deprived me with any privacy. I could not easily get a sex fix in basic training, as I was in an open room bunked with 8 guys. I’m not interested in guys and that also made any type of masturbation a challenge. That is if I was going to keep it a secret. Occasionally I sneaked into a bathroom stall with some sun block for lube. This was a rare treat as the daily schedule and conditions didn’t allow for much spare time. I got in tremendous physical shape in basic, and despite what shrinks might tell you, I wanted to “express myself with a woman more than ever during training. I didn’t want the hard work on my body to go to waste.

I had one fleeting moment with a very attractive female holdover. She came into the office where I had duty one night. We had a great talk and some pretty good flirting. Unfortunately we were discovered and had to part ways before anything “good” happened.

I didn’t have any luck in AIT either. Although there were woman around, I didn’t have any luck with them. I became the master of silent, nearly motionless masturbation, in my bunk once I heard the other guys fall to sleep.

Once I was shipped off to Germany for permanent duty things improved, as far as my addict and love life were concerned. Germans are sexually much more liberal than Americans. I even had some advantage to the other G.I.s, in that I could speak the language.

Part of the typical G.I. initiation was to take “newbies” to the red light district in the city. German brothels are unassuming, but clean, despite their seedy business (they are also legal and government regulated). When you walk down the hallways, available prostitutes are waiting in the doorway of their bedrooms. Typically the floors (usually at least three) are arranged by race and sometimes age. So basically you walk around and engage in a sort of immoral window shopping. I was taken to these within the first few weeks of my tour in Germany. I found a place to act out many a fantasy and basically started a hobby of buying sex from every type and race of women that I ever wanted.

I had a couple of girlfriends in this time as well. Tonya was a friend of a friend in Berlin. A good friend of mine from Italy had moved to Berlin. He was still in high school at the time. When I visited him I met mostly girls who were still in high school or freshly graduated. Tonya was a 16 year old high school drop out. I was twenty when I met her. We had an immediate attraction toward each other and started a sexual relationship right away. At the time I didn’t see a problem with our age difference and oddly neither did her parents. This was not a typical age range for me at the time. I did develop feelings for Tonya but our relationship was cut short by the Gulf War.

During the Gulf War I returned to my practice of masturbating quietly and motionless in my sleeping bag at night. It was seven months of lonely nights.

A hero’s welcome awaited us when we returned from the desert. I had sex with women just based on the glorification of war and heroes. It didn’t last long but women at bars were certainly willing to “put out” for soldiers just because of the war. I also continued my prostitution hobby upon returning to Germany.

I purchased a motorcycle with money I saved while at war. I loved motorcycles but I also wanted one to help me pick up women. It worked sometimes for sure. Occasionally all it took was convincing a woman to take a ride with me and the rest of the seduction was pretty easy.

I started working on my craft of seduction during this time. I used my innocent looks often to put my target women at ease. I saw seduction as a game and I definitely got a charge or a thrill from the chase. I studied books on the subject and came up with a few of my own tricks, ploys and theories. Many times I added to the thrill by having sex in public locations or in front of other people.

I’m sure I hurt some of the women involved. Sometimes my feelings were hurt as well but I saw it as all part of the game. Every conquest pumped my ego as the numbers of partners increased. Now I don’t try to figure out how many women I slept with. I actually just feel lucky I didn’t get VD.

I moved to Savannah, Georgia after my tour in Germany.

Early teen life of a sex and porn addict.

I crawled back and under the waterbed1. In the beam from the flashlight, I could see something. I crawled closer and anticipated my find. Stacks and more stacks of girlie magazines awaited me.

After the losing of Becky, and major heartbreak2, I returned to my secret life. I began to experiment with masturbation. At first, I didn’t really know that it would be so pleasurable. I had a bad experience at Boy Scout camp one summer. I had to take showers in the open bay shower with all the males in the camp. I didn’t really know what “shrinkage” was about until then. When I went to go in the shower with a friend of mine, I noticed that my penis decided to shrink heavily because of the cold night air in the drafty out door shower hut. I was ridiculed for having a small penis, even though I knew it was actually bigger but was being shy for some reason.

I thought if I got more erections that, my penis would stretch out and relax. So, I started experimenting with lotion to stroke my penis into an erection. I quickly realized how good this felt but still didn’t ejaculate for the first weeks. This played into my insecurities that the other boys at camp helped develop, as well as the other kids at school who said I was a loser. I already felt broken because of Becky. So, feeling like something was wrong with me wasn’t a big stretch.

This is when for some reason I snooped around my parent’s room while they were out of town. I found many stacks of porn magazines, and videos in a tunnel under their waterbed. I just looked initially, amazed out how different each nude woman was. Then it occurred to me that combining masturbation with the porn would be fun. And it was fun and I was finally able to ejaculate. This was a relief at first. I was no longer defective, but that feeling didn’t last.

Soon my masturbation and porn habit grew and intensified. I began to feel different again. I suppose it was a form of shame, but I felt like it was wrong and I was gay or something (I obviously know now that masturbation isn’t exclusive any sexual preference). I definitely liked girls so I’m not sure why I felt gay.

I continued my masturbation to my dad’s ever growing porn collection. Oddly, during this time, the relationship with my father stabilized until my mid teens. I’m not sure, but I think sometimes that my outward behavior changed and he sensed that I shared some of his personality flaws.

I really wanted anther girlfriend at this time but just couldn’t find a girl that I liked enough to risk the rejection. Besides, I felt as if I would be inadequate anyway. My body was doing all these weird things, I was doing weird things and my voice would break because it would change every other week.

Reflecting on my early teens, I definitely see the development of my secret or double life.
I wish sometimes I can go back, slap the crap out of myself, and get my shit together. Anyway, that’s not helpful so I wont dwell on it.


1 My parents had a large oversized waterbed that had a support structure with drawers. There was a tunnel in the back behind the headboard, and another tunnel down the middle that you could get to from the back one.
2 You have to read the previous blog if you haven’t already.