Early teen life of a sex and porn addict.

I crawled back and under the waterbed1. In the beam from the flashlight, I could see something. I crawled closer and anticipated my find. Stacks and more stacks of girlie magazines awaited me.

After the losing of Becky, and major heartbreak2, I returned to my secret life. I began to experiment with masturbation. At first, I didn’t really know that it would be so pleasurable. I had a bad experience at Boy Scout camp one summer. I had to take showers in the open bay shower with all the males in the camp. I didn’t really know what “shrinkage” was about until then. When I went to go in the shower with a friend of mine, I noticed that my penis decided to shrink heavily because of the cold night air in the drafty out door shower hut. I was ridiculed for having a small penis, even though I knew it was actually bigger but was being shy for some reason.

I thought if I got more erections that, my penis would stretch out and relax. So, I started experimenting with lotion to stroke my penis into an erection. I quickly realized how good this felt but still didn’t ejaculate for the first weeks. This played into my insecurities that the other boys at camp helped develop, as well as the other kids at school who said I was a loser. I already felt broken because of Becky. So, feeling like something was wrong with me wasn’t a big stretch.

This is when for some reason I snooped around my parent’s room while they were out of town. I found many stacks of porn magazines, and videos in a tunnel under their waterbed. I just looked initially, amazed out how different each nude woman was. Then it occurred to me that combining masturbation with the porn would be fun. And it was fun and I was finally able to ejaculate. This was a relief at first. I was no longer defective, but that feeling didn’t last.

Soon my masturbation and porn habit grew and intensified. I began to feel different again. I suppose it was a form of shame, but I felt like it was wrong and I was gay or something (I obviously know now that masturbation isn’t exclusive any sexual preference). I definitely liked girls so I’m not sure why I felt gay.

I continued my masturbation to my dad’s ever growing porn collection. Oddly, during this time, the relationship with my father stabilized until my mid teens. I’m not sure, but I think sometimes that my outward behavior changed and he sensed that I shared some of his personality flaws.

I really wanted anther girlfriend at this time but just couldn’t find a girl that I liked enough to risk the rejection. Besides, I felt as if I would be inadequate anyway. My body was doing all these weird things, I was doing weird things and my voice would break because it would change every other week.

Reflecting on my early teens, I definitely see the development of my secret or double life.
I wish sometimes I can go back, slap the crap out of myself, and get my shit together. Anyway, that’s not helpful so I wont dwell on it.


1 My parents had a large oversized waterbed that had a support structure with drawers. There was a tunnel in the back behind the headboard, and another tunnel down the middle that you could get to from the back one.
2 You have to read the previous blog if you haven’t already.