Army days, deprivation and excess

The army provided me with discipline and structure. It also immediately deprived me with any privacy. I could not easily get a sex fix in basic training, as I was in an open room bunked with 8 guys. I’m not interested in guys and that also made any type of masturbation a challenge. That is if I was going to keep it a secret. Occasionally I sneaked into a bathroom stall with some sun block for lube. This was a rare treat as the daily schedule and conditions didn’t allow for much spare time. I got in tremendous physical shape in basic, and despite what shrinks might tell you, I wanted to “express myself with a woman more than ever during training. I didn’t want the hard work on my body to go to waste.

I had one fleeting moment with a very attractive female holdover. She came into the office where I had duty one night. We had a great talk and some pretty good flirting. Unfortunately we were discovered and had to part ways before anything “good” happened.

I didn’t have any luck in AIT either. Although there were woman around, I didn’t have any luck with them. I became the master of silent, nearly motionless masturbation, in my bunk once I heard the other guys fall to sleep.

Once I was shipped off to Germany for permanent duty things improved, as far as my addict and love life were concerned. Germans are sexually much more liberal than Americans. I even had some advantage to the other G.I.s, in that I could speak the language.

Part of the typical G.I. initiation was to take “newbies” to the red light district in the city. German brothels are unassuming, but clean, despite their seedy business (they are also legal and government regulated). When you walk down the hallways, available prostitutes are waiting in the doorway of their bedrooms. Typically the floors (usually at least three) are arranged by race and sometimes age. So basically you walk around and engage in a sort of immoral window shopping. I was taken to these within the first few weeks of my tour in Germany. I found a place to act out many a fantasy and basically started a hobby of buying sex from every type and race of women that I ever wanted.

I had a couple of girlfriends in this time as well. Tonya was a friend of a friend in Berlin. A good friend of mine from Italy had moved to Berlin. He was still in high school at the time. When I visited him I met mostly girls who were still in high school or freshly graduated. Tonya was a 16 year old high school drop out. I was twenty when I met her. We had an immediate attraction toward each other and started a sexual relationship right away. At the time I didn’t see a problem with our age difference and oddly neither did her parents. This was not a typical age range for me at the time. I did develop feelings for Tonya but our relationship was cut short by the Gulf War.

During the Gulf War I returned to my practice of masturbating quietly and motionless in my sleeping bag at night. It was seven months of lonely nights.

A hero’s welcome awaited us when we returned from the desert. I had sex with women just based on the glorification of war and heroes. It didn’t last long but women at bars were certainly willing to “put out” for soldiers just because of the war. I also continued my prostitution hobby upon returning to Germany.

I purchased a motorcycle with money I saved while at war. I loved motorcycles but I also wanted one to help me pick up women. It worked sometimes for sure. Occasionally all it took was convincing a woman to take a ride with me and the rest of the seduction was pretty easy.

I started working on my craft of seduction during this time. I used my innocent looks often to put my target women at ease. I saw seduction as a game and I definitely got a charge or a thrill from the chase. I studied books on the subject and came up with a few of my own tricks, ploys and theories. Many times I added to the thrill by having sex in public locations or in front of other people.

I’m sure I hurt some of the women involved. Sometimes my feelings were hurt as well but I saw it as all part of the game. Every conquest pumped my ego as the numbers of partners increased. Now I don’t try to figure out how many women I slept with. I actually just feel lucky I didn’t get VD.

I moved to Savannah, Georgia after my tour in Germany.

An apology to women

Sometimes in my story I may sound sexist or at least very impersonal when I write about the women in my experience. I’m not a great writer but I do want to convey that I do respect women despite my objectification and using of them. I’m trying to write about the experience as I felt at the time. That is going to reflect my immaturity and my state of mind at the time these event actually occurred. I’m an addict and by definition I’m sick. This is not an excuse but an explanation. Please forgive me if you can find it in your heart to do so.

Three Circles of Behavior

Sorry I haven’t posted in a while. I’ve been considering the direction of this blog and I decided to add a few things in addition to finishing the story.

In S.A.A. we learn to describe our behaviors as a three ring circle. The center inter most circle comprises the destructive behaviors that have made our lives unmanageable as well as hurting those who we love as well as ourselves.

My bottom line behaviors: These are the behaviors that define my addiction. (inner circle)

Internet pornography. Sober since April 2007.
Compulsive masturbation. Sober since April, 2007.
Seeking pornography at work during breaks. Sober since June, 2007.
Affairs outside of a committed relationship (though not my current relationship). Sober since 2004.
Anonymous sex with multiple partners. Sober since 1992.
Sex with more than one partner the same day. Sober since October 2003.
Seduction. Sober since January 2005
Lying about my addiction and behaviors. Sober since August 2007
Objectification of women. Not Sober.
Living a secret or double life. Not sure.

Triggers: The situations and behaviors that trigger the above behaviors. (middle circle)

Stress at work or home.
Too much alone time, especially with unprotected internet access.
Feeling tired, sleepy and out of shape.
Seeing attractive women, anywhere.
Too much time between healthy sex.
Boredom.
Not spending enough time on art, working out, and spiritual activities.

Healthy behaviors: Behaviors that not only help me avoid the inner circle, but also make me a better person. (outer circle)

Prayer and meditation
Going to meetings
Calling my sponsor or other members of S.A.A.
Reading motivational, self-help material
Reading for enjoyment
Working out and sports
Calling friends, family
Working on my committed relationship
Spending time with my dog
Volunteering

I hope this helps clarify a few things. Stay tuned in for more of my story.

SH