The early childhood years of a sex and porn addict

As I walked up to their room, I heard strange noises but didn’t know what to make of them. I didn’t need to open the door, it was already slightly open, and I had an odd and exciting feeling as I walked closer. When I was finally close enough to see inside I was entranced. The two cloth-less bodies were intertwined as one yet moving rhythmically. The noises coincided with the movement. It was exciting to watch at four years old. I didn’t know what my parents were doing and I was far too young to be grossed out by it. I thought, “wow! I can’t wait to do that!”

Little did I know that this thing would be the obsession of my life.

I suppose we were a typical military family; dad was in the Army and he was as demanding as any drill sergeant. My mother battled depression throughout my childhood and was often withdrawn. My brother was academically gifted but was also my closest friend and confidant.

I came from a long line of addicts. My father is a sex addict as well. His brother, my Uncle Bob, was an alcoholic. My step grandfather was also an alcoholic. I didn’t know my real grandfather, but from what I understand is that he was a scoundrel of many types. Possibly a sex addict, alcoholic, a “traveling man” with many families and a con man.

On top of the addictions, my family has a long history of mental health problems. Though my mother’s side of the family didn’t have the addictions my father’s side had they had plenty of depression and bipolar disorders. They were also artists, writers, inventors and thinkers. Just the kind of people my father really couldn’t identify with.

Dad was more of a practical man. He understood math, money and grades. My brother was the perfect son in his eyes. He is academically gifted, thrifty and quiet. I was none of those things.

I was dyslexic, artistic, inventive and athletic, the antithesis of my brother. My dad has since acknowledged my intellect as my bothers equal but when I was a child, that understanding was clearly absent. I struggled with reading and writing immediately when I started school. Dad didn’t understand. He spent nights keeping me up trying to get me to write the way he felt I should. When I didn’t do, what I supposed to I was scolded, physically punished and verbally abused. I came to the point where the physical pain no longer bothered me. I would withdraw to a place where I was always safe, a place that was only mine, I found sanctuary in my mind and imagination. Of course, my daydreaming didn’t help the situation with my father at all.

Mom did what she could to help. I was good at two things that were apparent at an early age, drawing and sports. Mom took me to as many activities she could, earnestly trying to find things that would make dad proud of me and give me some peace. It was in activities like gymnastics and ice-skating that I discovered girls. Not that I didn’t see girls before, I knew of them but these girls were graceful little pixies.

Girls were always my playmates, like my tomboy cousins and the girl next door who was always covered in ice cream. Now girls became beautiful little angels with little bodies that held wonders that I had yet to realize. They were like a pirates treasure that I just found the map to and a world of adventure ready for me to explore. I began to pay a lot more attention to girls from then on. I met a girl in my neighborhood a few doors down from my house. She liked to play “dirty” as I found out. I saw as a chance to practice the thing I saw that late night through the doorway. At least she could be more fun to explore this with then my sock monkey.

We started by playing “I’ll show you mine if you show me yours,” behind a tree in her yard. We learned from there that the garage at my house was always unlocked and while my parents were at work, no one would catch us if we played in there.

There we kissed, petted, explored and tried to do more but really were not capable yet as we were only 6-8 years old. This type of play with her lasted about a year before my family moved away to Germany.